Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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