My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
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I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
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I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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