she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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