She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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