When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
