I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
