Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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