There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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