I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
