I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize