Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
