the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
