you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
