I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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