3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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