All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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