3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
if i can run in heels then i can drive
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
