Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
