I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
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