We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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