You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
