My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
