He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
