you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
did i just pee glitter
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
