I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
