If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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