My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
