I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
