I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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