toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
