Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
