4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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