I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
