Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
