Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
