I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
