I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
