I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
