Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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