her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
