Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
