Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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