I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
