im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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