Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
