I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
