Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
