Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
