I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
