They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
