Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
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Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
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ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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