you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
