you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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