His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
