Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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